new day

There once was 5 happy people living in this house, now there is just me.

But it is so good to be back in my old/new house. The house is so full of good memories and I am glad for every one of them.

Miriam is being fussed over and taken better care of than I ever could. They are courteous and compassionate. I can rest assured on that one, and i do.

Once this was a house with an acre, a shop and a foot bridge over the the "creek" in the back yard. I sold the shop and acre (it was more than I could handle), the foot bridge is a memory and I have one quite small building lot and a small house.

It is enough, I am blessed. Yesterday was close to 100. The house had been closed up for a couple of weeks. But I opened it up last night and the cool Idaho night did it's work and right now it is close to being too cool in here.

That is what I thought would happen when I designed the house 38 years ago. I am not an engineer, so I did not have formulas or numbers, so I guessed, and most of the time my guesses were adequate.

So, it is good to be home, to luxuriate in my shower (the one with the big rain style shoer head that is fastened to the ceiling!

I love her

Top: Miriam at 17 on my Harley
In Portland a few years ago
Miriam  making a face at me
I love every one of your faces Miriam.

abandonment

There is no way one can leave the person they love without grief and 2nd thoughts.

The place can be the best in the world, every thing can be perfect, but when you walk out of the home where she lives I feel profoundly guilty of abandonment.

She is doing well, but when I got there this afternoon, all she could say was; "Get me out of here." I cannot begin to understand how he mind works now days (I had enough trouble for the first 50 years of our marriage!).

So I sit here wondering about the whole idea of placement. I know it is totally necessary, but I don't have to like it and I don't.

better

Miriam is doing pretty well adjusting to her new space.

That seem to me to be mixed. In order to adjust really well they give up a big part of their lives. While I know that is alright even necessary, I hate to see that part of my dear one leave.

Last night the Physical Therapist had a conversation with me and us. In replying to her questions it is amazing how much she has declined in the last year, and even in the last month. We live the first year in the bus which has 5 or 6 fairly steep steps to get into the living space. It was not a problem for her at all. Now steps are almost impossible.

The PT will work with her a few sessions a week to see what can be done.

She is quite sure that Miriam has symptoms of  Parkinsons. My understanding is that some of those symptoms are a part of  Alzheimer's. And frankly, I am not sure there is anything to do about it now any way.

When we took her in we were asked about her appetite. "Oh she eats well." Wonderful, they said. Last night I was there just as she was eating. It looked good and she was getting into it with enthusiasm. As I walked out I heard an Aide talking to an old grandma. They were arguing about when the lady had eaten last since she was for sure not going to eat now.

When they asked her to stan up Miriam complained of her foot hurting. She had a sore spot on her foot, suggesting her shoe was too tight. Last night i bought her a new pair, half a size larger, with stretchy lacings.

We will see how that works.

empty

it is good

It seems to be working out very well so far.

Daughter and I, mostly, get a lot more sleep. We feel better right out of the blocks. At the home they keep Miriam busy all day, doing things or being entertained in some way, so she cannot sleep much. Besides, the wheel chair they use is not terribly comfortable for sleep.

Then at night she will sleep, and sleep all night they hope. The nurses ave an aversion to using any kind of sleep aids, in fact they like as few medications as possible.

I spent a couple of hours yesterday morning with her, Then another couple of hours in the evening. Today I think I'll go visit a bit before a meal so I have a good diversion to leave.

When I went in yesterday morning the maids stopped looked up from their carts and smiled and said: "Good Morning." It is a very friendly place.

new room

This is the corner of Miriam's room. The staff said we could do anything we wanted, and short of paint we are going to do that.
These photographs are for reference. I can promise it will look different in a very short time. A few pictures can make a lot of difference.

The other side is a bit worse, but again it will all get changed.

Miriam's roommate is Clara who is 97. She also has AD, but is very mobile and cute my daughter tells me. 

Day one and my tiny house

We built this tiny house a year ago.

Since then I have rarely really lived in it. At first I would bring Miriam out, but she had trouble walking back to the house in the dark. Even the she spent most of her time in the big house.

A couple times I let her stay all night, but the bed was to narrow and uncomfortable for the two of us at this age. Then a few months ago I started sleeping in the house with her. At first we would sleep quite well. I needed to be there in case she woke up and walked around, just to make sure she didn't hurt herself.

In the last month or two she would wake up every hour and a half and good sleep was impossible. Lat night was fairly typical. Last night we were up three times, at 10:30 at 2:30 and at 4:30. These are not quick breaks where you can go back to sleep easily, but talk sessions that might go on for an hour.

Her talk does not make sense. It is called word salad and that pretty describes what happened.

Today we took her to her new residence. I felt like I was deserting her.

I  am not an authority on rest homes, but the ones I have been in have a distance rather foul odor. It is not pleasant and seems to be the same in all of them. This home does not have any of that. The nurses are professional and skilled. The whole place is very pleasant.

Daughter finished the paper work this afternoon (I was there when we took her in), and got everything lined out. I stayed in my house (it was very hot today) and took lots of naps.

So tonight, I will actually sleep in my tiny house. I'll go to bed when I want (which won't be too long and I can sleep as long as I wish. I like that. I may not be able to adjust easily.

last meal

Tonight I feel like the chef at the penitentary who prepares and fixes the prisoner's last meal.

She did not get a menu choice. Soup and toasted cheese sandwich.

I hugged her a lot of times and I just stare into space.

placement

Monday Miriam is scheduled to go into a nursing home here in Walla Walla. They have a room next to the nurses station, and it has a window on her side.

No one said this would be easy and it isn't.

placement

Today we made the first steps to placing Miriam in a care facility.

We toured the establishment, looked in the nooks and crannies. We were told that the cook is a vegetarian and that there is always vegetarian alternatives to what shows on the menu. We saw the rooms where they do bingo and where they eat and where they party. We went up elevators and into the wing where the place began a hundred and seventeen years ago.

The place is a non-profit, which pleases this old liberal. I asked if it looks like we could make a deal. The admissions officer said that there were two openings right now and she would talk with the social worker in the morning. The paper work is being done, though most of it is already done. 

I have no idea of how long these things take. It could go fast and it could go not quite so fast, but it looks like we will have a bed fairly soon.

In a big way, that is the easy part of it all. 

In spite of my knowing this would happen and my spoken readiness for it to happen, when it happens it is going to hurt, even as it provides Arline and I both with better sleep.

I know all of this, but that does not make it a whole lot easier. 

This is Brianna the graduate. She is now enrolled in one of the best Chef's schools in Portland.
The picture of several years old, but I am very fond of this picture.