we lost her

Last night a little after 9 pm we lost her.

She put up a valiant fight against this horrible thing we call Alzheimer's. Of course, we knew who would win from the beginning, we did not know the time schedule.

I had not planned to be there at the end. But in late afternoon I decided to stay very late, maybe close to midnight if necessary. Daughter 1 was there with me and together we saw it happen.

The day before I could say: "Miriam I love you." She would answer in grunts. I could read what she was saying, we had a decent conversation. Yesterday there was no response at all.

Her breathing was labored, but she kept going. I went out of the room to call a friend and when I returned Daughter said; "mom is not breathing the same." I went to find the Aid who was in charge. She put her ear against miriam's chest and then went to get a stethoscope. When she came back and listened she just said: "She is gone."

The Aid, who is a wonderful woman who has seen and experienced much cried with us as we put the last details together.

We stayed until the funeral home people came and picked up her body.

This part is over and I am glad. Miriam did not need to suffer more, but now I am really alone and that grief will take a bit longer.

"I loved you Miriam. You were the light of my day and night."

sack cloth

Miriam is still with us.

When I get up close and tell her I love her, she grunts two or three grunts and I know she understood and replied to my statement. We have had some fairly good conversations that way.

She can not eat nor swallow, but her heart is strong. The schedule is hers, but she is not getting better, and we will lose her.

Today I began another mourning stage; I had my hair cut very short and I shaved off my mustache and beard.  In some cultures the man cuts off his hair to demonstrate his mourning.

The Big Book talks about putting on sack cloth and ashes. This is my version.