alone

Today I am alone.

Daughters and grandkids are gone. Friends and their children are also gone. Not gone in the sense that they will never come back, but that they have gone to do other things, but they will return.

It is not often that a married father is alone for very long. I am absorbing it slowly.

I will be here another couple of days. I will clearl up the inside today, working to create some order from the chaos of moving so much so fast. Tomorrow I will work outside, mowing the lawn cutting weeds and grass.

Then I will load up the pickup and the cargo trailer and go to my new home. My sweetheart needs a lot of my hugs, dozens times dozens or more. Daughters conspire with their schedule to determine when they can return to help.

But today I will enjoy a day alone, knowing that my Miriam is well cared for.

Artists spend a lot of time alone, and we revel in it.

Today will be good.

and so it goes

Weekend.

We are taking the weekend off, seriously off.

Everything is a blur. Parts of the house are empty, part are overly crowded. There are things I use to know the exact location that I will never see again. Some of those will be missed but most will not. We are not moving from one smallish 3 bedroom 2 bath to another of the same size, we are moving to a 1 bedroom, 1 bath RV.

1300 square feet to a bit less than 300.

There is no furniture that will follow us. There is not room. But what we have will be loved and used to the end of it's useful life, but in a different location.

While I know, intellectually, what we are doing and how it will all work, on a psychological level, the whole thing keeps slapping me in the jugular.

I talked to Miriam on the phone last night. She is super with daughter 1, but with me, she kept scolding me for not taking her with me. 'I could have helped.' But it would have been terribly hard on her.

Her brother comes to visit about once a month. He called Friday to see if we were here this Sunday. "I am, but not Miriam," I reported. Then I had to tell him that it is doubtful that she will ever return to this house. It was a sad conversation. "You do what you have to do," he replied.

And so it goes.

Wow!

packing

I have been in Idaho this week, clearing out the house.

Three of my 4 daughters and 3 grandkids have been here to help. The other daughter is helping by looking after Miriam. Friends have come by to help.

How close are we to finish? I am not sure, but we bought 50 boxes, filled them and got 50 more. There are piles of boxes ready to go to storage in the shop/studio.

Meanwhile, Miriam is doing fine. She is told what I am doing and why and she seems to understand and agree.

Tonight I sat down to talk to my neighbor Sylvia. Earlier I had called her (she and her daughter do a yard sale or two a year) and I offered her the stuff I was going to take to Goodwill. Same price (zero), and same terms (what does not sell goes some other direction).

So we continue to fix and work.

Weekend is coming and I welcome it, big time.

we will survive

A couple times in our lives, Miriam and I have made some big changes.

One time we called in the auction people, had a “farm” auction and left for Texas with a small car and a smaller trailer.

That was a big change.

Now, I do not have Miriam helping me. I have to keep her back in a fog of not total truthfulness. That is not how I prefer to live.

Someone once said that if “it” does not kill you it is good for you. I am not sure I want to run my life based on what “someone” said about “it”, but here we are!

One of my David friends came by last evening. I told him that I thought it was wise for me to put a period at the end of this part of my life and begin the next (last?) part with a fairly clean get go. He agreed, or seemed to.

I would like to sell the house and land tomorrow, clear out the shop next month and be on to the next semi adventure. it will likely not be so easy. Life rarely is easy or simple.

But I still welcome the adventure of it all. We are a working family, living a lot closer to payday than we might wish. There is no pool of cash anywhere, but we haves spirit and we have innovation and we have each other.

We will survive.

Yesterday when Emily arrived, she searched me out and gave me a long hug.
"Papa, I don't see how you can keep from crying." She admitted to a tear or two when she entered the house and saw all the people and boxes.
I am not immune.

in shock

My shock settles in slowly.

There were 9 people packing and decisioning yesterday.

I think my desires were followed in a general way, but not in a specific way -- always, though I do not really know that yet.

There are some items I will look for, or wonder about for the remaining parts of my life. I will remember that what I am looking for always resided in a certain spot, but that spot does not exist any longer.

Last night, the kitchen looks sterile. No pictures on the refer. No “pretty” litle rocks (Miriam’s obsession) stuck here and there, just empty countertops.

We packed boxes of Miriam's ceramics. It is a fabulous collection. We will keep them altogether until all 4 daughters are together at some point then there will be an art show and a shuffle.

All is well, all is good, all is wonderful, in the long run, I guess.

We have someone interested in buying the house and land, but these things are always slippery and this one is no exception. It might gel and it might not and right now I am not terribly positive about it.

Daughters bought 50 packing boxes, then went back and bought 50 more. About that time we were gifted with 50 used boxes, all dutifully flattened. We will have enough.

So today is a new day. Daughter 3 and her two strong sons will leave fairly early. Other friends have volunteered to help. I am not sure what will be needed. Daughter 4 and Emily will be here until Friday. We should have things lined up pretty well by then.
I have thought of taking a load early next week, but I am not sure about that.

All of this is good, I keep telling myself, and myself needs assurance.

I sure don't covet this monster, but it does photograph well

back in idaho

We made the trip back to our house in Idaho.

Daughter 3 and her two husky sons. Then Daughter 4 said she and her 17 year old daughter would come tomorrow and stay until Friday.

This evening we had a good interview with the young family who are going to live in the house, and we toyed with an offer for them to buy the place.

Should that happen, there might be money for a tiny house on daughter 1 property, as well as renovating an old garage for joint studio/shop space. And if there is a chance to build, then lots of things change. I know I can build a tiny house that is much more efficient than the best RV.

Or maybe I should so something else.

Meanwhile, Miriam had a good day with Daughter 1. She asked about me a time or two but she was not upset. She said that I had never left her before and daughter reminded her that I went to Alaska once and was gone for a couple months, many years ago.

Jim, the renter-to-be, loves books and will help us sort them. There are books I want to keep, books that are recyclable, and books that are not worth their paper. That is BIG.

Tomorrow we will stack books,

wrapping it up

Tomorrow morning I am going back home to begin bundling it up to rent.

Daughter 3 will go with me (in different vehicle) with her two boys. We will get done what we can together, and they will leave the next day for SanFrancisco.

I am leaving Miriam with Daughter 1. I am not telling her, though I will leave her a message.

Even though I know I should not feel guilty for all of this, I do.