I went through a mid life crisis that I thought would kill me.
I was in my mid 40's.
It came when a few things dawned on me: 1. I was as good at what I did for a living as I was likely to get, and found the job and the industry boring; 2. My kids had reached the age where they didn’t need me so much, they were in their late teens and were showing signs of independence; and 3. By any measure, my life was on the downhIll side.
Now, a few decades later. I still am bored and a bit frustrated; my daughters are wonderfully independent, and my life is closer than ever to the right hand margin. My plans for my retirement get swallowed in day to day stuff that seems important but is not part of my grand plan.
And to make it all the more frustrating, my dear sweet Miriam, is slowly leaving me.
I guess it is a late life crisis.
As my daughters reach their mid life, they too are adjusting. Our oldest grandson married this summer. Another is almost ready for college. My granddaughters are become beauties, my grandsons handsome. As they grow, I become aware of my aging and acutely aware that I might not get to go to all their weddings or hold all their babies.
Few will admit anything so drastic a thing as a mid life crisis. None of my friends will, in public at least, but I do and did. And, maybe I am repeating.
Questions multiply: Can we live successfully in our house on our small income? How long can I take good care of my Miriam? Will my dear grandkids do well in life? Will they be smart when they really need to be? Will my garden grow well this year? Will gas get so spendy we cannot go to see our grandkids?
After a certain point, all I can do is trust and move on, and be as wise as possible. Move on I can do, but wisdom seems to be in short supply in this old world. So many decisions I would like to make are made by someone else or by this disease that has changed my life.
I seem to have so little real control of things.
And, sometimes I am overcome by the emotion of it all, and I bow my head in sorrow.
Gratitude #83 - Sweet Biddies!
11 years ago
4 comments:
Life does throw us curve balls and even the best laid plans hit bumps - but somehow I think you'll work around it. You have resolve, Dave. You're a survivor. Hang in there.
In a big way there is no choice but to hang in, and on a good day we are all tough, it is those odd bad days we remember, I fear.
You trying to take my worrying job David? If so I think you forgot about the rice crop.
I wish I could say its going to be alright, but everything you have said is pretty true. My grandpa got to do a far amount of traveling in his retirement. He died when he was 80, but it was not without a little last fun. I hope you learn to enjoy your retirement even though so much of it must be consumed with the care of Miriam. Maybe just the simple act of being able to be around your grandkids. I know you love them so. Hold your head up high for me ok? Then we can fallow you.
I don't want to sound too down in all of this. I am a world class pragmatist, and I am enjoying myself, and I am working into Stef's territory (as worrier first class), I admit, but the unknown is a bit scary -- for all of us, perhaps.
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