parent care

My wife took care of her mother until mom died.

Mom was 57. Miriam stayed with her day and night for about half a year before she died.

By then Miriam's father's Parkinson's was advanced enough that he was not able to live on his own. Miriam could not live full time 30 miles away from our home, so we did the obvious thing.

We moved Miriam’s father into our house. It made a ton of sense, and it was the right thing to do, and it was rough, and maybe not even wise.

We have a small house, designed for a 5 people at most. We did not have a separate “suite” for another person. We could squeeze a bit tighter and make it work, and we did our best.

Dad was a bit hard of hearing and he had his cable tv. We did not have a tv when the kids were in school, they had homework and music. (Believe it or not, it was the girl’s choice to not have a TV).

Dad loved to watch TV. It was all he had, really. Baseball mostly, but noisy news and such as well. I tried to rig up some kind of a system where he could hear without blasting the rest of us out, but my systems did not work well.

I built a room for him where I had planned an open patio. Since our house is partly underground, that involved a good hunk of work, but we got it done. The problem was that the place for his TV was right by the door that went into our smallish living/dining/kitchen area.

I was totally miserable. And angry.

Miriam would not listen to any complaints. It got worse and worse. Finally I made an appointment with a friend who is a counselor. He lived a few hours away and we went to see him.

We sat down and he asked Miriam how things were going. “Wonderful.” Are there any problems? “No, all is wonderful.”

She would not budge, she would not allow that I was being crushed by all of this. Her head was buried in sand. We stood up, shook hands and left.

Dad was with us for almost ten years.

As I look back, they were not happy years for me. I am not sure, even now, what I should have done differently. I am not sure of my motives, then or now. How would i make it easier for my daughter and his family if I had to live with one of them? I am still thinking on that one.

Multi generational homes were not at all unusual a couple of generations ago. That was before TV. Maybe that made a difference, I sure do not know. I am still not sure how all of this should have worked out. Was the problem in MY head or was it a combination? Could we have faced it a bit more openly and talked more and made it better? I don’t know that either.

As I get older and life alone may be slipping through my fingers and I am troubled by all of this. Could I live with one of my daughters and not drive my son-in-law nuts? I do not know.

For the child of the old parent it is a duty gladly performed, even at the cost of neglecting other family. To the spouse, and children, it is a different world.

Even after 20 years, I am not remotely sure of how I should have handled it all.

Either way, it was not my happiest decade.