illusions

Last evening, daughter one came for a quick visit.

She was within 110 miles on another mission and decided to come on over, even if just overnight. She has to be home by noon today.

We had a good visit. She and I went down to visit my friend David who is recovering from surgery. We talked about kids and grandkids. We laughed. I bragged about one of my grandkids who has a real bent for words. I showed daughter some writing that the grandkid had done, but in reading it I learned way too much.

It is hard to know if grandkid had not figured on me reading, or if she was really sort of bragging. I don’t know, but some illusions went.

Grandpas and dads have funny, rather illogical hearts. We wound easily, probably when and in ways we shouldn’t, but we never really get over that illogic.

Years ago a friend informed me that she was living with two guys. One was a Christian and one was Gay, so there was nothing to “fear.” Later I found out that was not quite right. She was sleeping with the “Christian” and the other guy was not there most of the time.

I also learned some other details of my friend’s life that were quite unnerving to me. That night, I tried so hard to sleep, but sleep would not come. That was a long time ago, but I have not forgotten that night of non-sleep.

Grandpas and dads are not stupid, but we hardly never informed, or allowed to find honest answers. Most of the time we don’t even know the question. We live a blind mirage of life. We just live in our bubble.

For the most part that is good, I guess. One daughter had a husband that was physical with her. She divorced him, but I did not find out about any of that physical stuff for another couple of decades. “Dad would not like it.”

So last night was another sleepless night. Today is church day. I’ll go for the first hour then I’ll come home. My pastor’s sermons are easily forgettable, so I’ll not miss too much, most likely. Miriam will want to stay for church and will scold me. I’ll get her a ride home.

And maybe I’ll go down and share some time with David. He is one of the few I can really talk to. He is both a father and a grandfather. He will understand more than he wishes.